


Lipstick On Your Collar

by MyOwnSuperintendent



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 02:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10233815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyOwnSuperintendent/pseuds/MyOwnSuperintendent
Summary: The FBI has many cases to solve.  One of the biggest mysteries is the status of the relationship between Agents Mulder and Scully--and like in any case, it's important to have evidence before jumping to conclusions.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the Connie Francis song of the same name, which I do not own. I also don't own The X-Files or anything related to it.

“You want to give me that twenty bucks now, Jones?”

“For the last time, Smith, I do not owe you twenty bucks!  You don’t have a shred of proof.”

“Oh, now you’re just being willfully blind.  Didn’t you see the lipstick on his shirt?”

“That doesn’t prove anything except that he got lipstick on his shirt.”

“And how do you think it got there, exactly?”

“I’m not in the business of advancing theories, Smith.  I’m just pointing out that you haven’t proven yours.”

“Can we go through the facts as we’ve observed them?  I’m curious to see where your logic breaks down.”

“It’s not my logic that’s broken down.  But go ahead.”

“All right then.  Agent Mulder and Agent Scully left here together around noon.  You admit that, at least?”

“Of course.  We saw them.”

“At that time, he did not have any lipstick on his shirt.  And she was wearing lipstick.  Do you admit that too?”

“I wasn’t looking at her lips that closely.  But yes, it appeared that way.”

“And they came back here to the Hoover Building just a couple of minutes ago.  Correct?”

“We saw that too.”

“And at that point, there was clearly lipstick on the collar of his shirt.  What do you say to that?”

“True.  I’ve never denied it.”

“So it seems to me that we have enough evidence to conclude that, at some point between noon and a couple of minutes ago, the two of them kissed. Would—”

“Now that’s where I can’t go along with you.  I’m not saying it’s impossible, but we certainly don’t have enough evidence to say so for certain.”

“Oh, for God’s sake.  What is the matter with you?  Look, if you don’t have the twenty bucks—”

“I’ve got the money.  This is principle.”

“Fine.  What about your principles makes you say that we don’t have enough evidence?”

“Well, first of all, we don’t know that it’s her lipstick.  She’s not the only woman who’s ever worn lipstick.”

“So what are you suggesting, exactly?  That at some time between when the two of them left and when they came back, Agent Mulder went and kissed some third party?  Are you thinking that this happened with Agent Scully present, or—”

“That doesn’t seem particularly likely, but it could have happened.  Or he could have gotten it on his shirt in some other way.  No kissing involved.”

“It was in the shape of lips!  It was the same shade she was wearing!”

“You couldn’t possibly tell any of that from this distance.  No, you’re just seeing what you want to see, because you’re fixated on this theory of yours.”

“And you’re refusing to see things as they are, because you’re fixated on proving your own point.”

“I am not fixated!  I am—look, here comes Agent Cartwright.”

“Who will definitely agree with me.  Agent Cartwright, would you come over here a minute?”

“Sure.  Hi Agent Smith, Agent Jones.  What’s going on?”

“Would you agree that lipstick on someone’s collar is incontrovertible evidence of kissing and that anyone who doesn’t agree is being obtuse in the extreme?”

“Would you agree that anyone who says something like that is given to overinterpreting things, probably because of a refusal to admit that men and women can just be friends?”

“Oh lord.  Is this about your weird bet?”

“You know about our bet?”

“Yeah, you’re not exactly quiet about it.  A lot of us know.”

“Do you think Agent Mulder and Agent Scully know about our bet?  Because I wouldn’t want anyone to be made uncomfortable because of Smith’s lewd insinuations.”

“I have no idea if they know.  We rarely talk, and if we did, it’s not a subject I would bring up with them.   Anyway, to your questions.  First of all, I think this bet is inherently unfair.  It would be a lot easier for Agent Smith to prove that something was going on between those two than it would be for Agent Jones to prove that there was nothing going on.  It’s very difficult to prove a negative.  That said—”

“Thank you!  I’m glad someone’s on my side.”

“That said, I don’t know what more evidence Agent Smith possibly needs to prove this to you, Agent Jones.  They went out together and they came back together with her lipstick on his shirt.  I’m all for not jumping to conclusions, but this really looks pretty straightforward.”

“What did I say?”

“Not you too, Agent Cartwright!  As I’ve just been explaining to Smith, we don’t know that it was her lipstick.”

“Then whose would it be?  It was the same shade.”

“Why are both of you so fixated on the shade?  Do you think she gets her lipstick custom-made?  No, I’m not conceding this.  Just because Smith is obsessed with the possibility that Agent Mulder and Agent Scully could be more than colleagues, it doesn’t mean that—”

“Shut up, Jones!”

“Don’t tell me to shut up, Smith!  My opinion is just as valid as yours, and furthermore—”

“No, really, shut up!  They’re coming down the hall.”

“Oh.  Let’s—let’s go back into the office and look busy.  You too, Agent Cartwright.”

“I honestly can’t believe the two of you.”

“So as I was saying, Jones, it’s important that we keep surveillance up at the warehouse at least until we get a clearer idea of what’s going on.”

“I couldn’t agree more, Smith.  In fact, I— _holy shit_.”

“Whoa.”

“Honestly!  This is a government office.”

“You want to give me that twenty bucks now, Jones?”


End file.
